A Little Bit of Sass » The Mother

Things Could Be Worse

Posted by sassafrass | Posted on 13-05-2013

Category : Baby Klingler, The Mother, The Wife

I’m feeling that little bit of overwhelm creep in again. Summer semester is approaching and I’m wondering how I’ll ever go back to school after having such a glorious couple of weeks away from it all.

It’s odd because I miss it. I enjoy learning. I especially enjoy learning about Maternity and Pediatrics, which is what we are learning about this summer…it’s just…

I’ve been able to get the laundry done and the dishes and the housework and MY GOODNESS I HAVE EVEN COOKED MEALS FOR MY FAMILY.

I know, stop the presses. Shit just got real.

I feel so put together when I’m not in school. Like my family functions just a little bit better. I know that it seems like small things because those housework/chores DO get done even when I’m schooling it up. Matt is a HUGE help and he does so much to help clean and cook. It’s just…I feel like those are my jobs. I stay at home, I should get them done. Then you throw school in the mix and that just complicates it all.

And my first instinct is to compare myself to other moms and their situations. I think we all kind of do this to an extent. But it’s a bad instinct to have. We ALL have shit going on. We ALL have things that we’re struggling with. Comparing our apples (teehee) doesn’t help us get through what we need to get through.

So when I’m getting down about these types of things, I look to my favorite poem. Because honestly, I just couldn’t have put it any better:

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?

She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I’ve grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,

Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo.

Dishes are waiting and bills are past due,

Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek – peekaboo.

The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew,

And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo.

But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo.

Look! Aren’t his eyes the most wonderful hue?

Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo.

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow,

But children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.

So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!

I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.

~ Ruth Hulbert Hamilton

Baby Number 2 – Excitement

Posted by sassafrass | Posted on 10-05-2013

Category : Baby Klingler, The Mother

When I was pregnant with Leah, I was excited but TERRIFIED. I mean, I’m in charge of a TINY HUMAN. And it NEEDS THINGS…ALL. THE. TIME.

And what if I don’t do it right? And what if I mess her up? And what if she’s 25 and having a baby and wants to do it all differently because I was so horrible?

But a year in, I’m oddly confident about how things are going. I’ve really tried to embrace the feelings of overwhelm and my insecurities and just find ways to set those feelings aside. I really give a lot of credit to my amazing husband, who is so helpful, and of course, my amazing God who gives me peace in the moments when I need them most. It’s just, in the past year, despite all the crazy – I’ve somehow become the mom who feels confident that while yes, I may be making mistakes, I’m still doing a great job.

Why is it hard to talk about that by the way? Why is it I feel like I’m supposed to feel like a terrible mom? That confidence in my parenting ability is a bad/negative thing? I feel like I’m going to be judged the minute I say it: “I’m confident!” (She shouldn’t be, she’s an AWFUL mother)

I’m not saying that I don’t have bad momma moments – we ALL do. But for the most part I feel really good about our decisions as parents, and I feel like Leah is turning out really well. She’s a great kid! I love her <3

So I’m confident! I feel good! And because of that, I’m really excited about baby number 2.

When Leah was born I spent about the first 5-6 months just feeling like I was drowning. I felt like I had NO idea what I was doing (I didn’t) and I was struggling to be the mom I thought I should be. I really feel like I missed out and those first few months with my baby were such a blur because I was so focused on that feeling of overwhelm. With BK2, I’ll have some insecurities no doubt (I mean, 2 kids under 2? Yeah that’s going to be…fun!) but that “new” parent thing? It’s gone. Each stage is a surprise and it’s “new” but just those first few months where I was feeling entirely inadequate and unsure? THAT feeling is gone.

Am I making sense here? I feel like I’m not. Just nod your head and smile, mmk?

The point is, I know a lot of moms who have given birth recently and it makes me SO excited for November. I cannot wait to do this baby thing over again. I know the late nights are rough, I know that the constant nursing is going to be draining, I know that a toddler and a baby are probably going to suck away all of my energy, but I’m SO excited to be adding a new little bundle of AWESOME (because Joy isn’t a good enough word) to our family. I’m excited to start this journey over again and grow more and learn more and love more. This parenting thing is pretty awesome y’all.

On Being Pregnant The Second Time Around

Posted by sassafrass | Posted on 24-03-2013

Category : My Life, The Mother

So, this shit is different. And similar. So far. 5 weeks in.

OMG DIANA SHUT UP ALREADY.

NO. (insert grumpy cat here)

I’m tired. REALLY EFFING TIRED. What’s up with that? I’m half a minute pregnant and already I’m feeling like a continuous IV drip of caffeine couldn’t even sustain me.

Also? I can’t button my jeans. ALREADY. I was, SWEAR TO YOU, in a size 8 and those suckers were LOOSE two weeks ago. And now I can barely button. Either I ate too much or my uterus is just overly excited. Or I’m having twins. FUCK.

So I was searching for, ahem, maternity clothes to remedy this early fatness thing, and I’ve discovered that EVERYTHING maternity is either way to tight/low cut, or just has no shape whatsoever. That makes me sad. So I guess I’ll just wear dresses. OH WAIT THOSE ARE TOO SHORT.

Ok I’m being slightly dramatic. There are cute maternity things to wear. I was just flabbergasted (yes, I’m now old) at how many low-cut, see-through, form-fitting tops there are for preggos. Calm it down Liz Lange. Seriously.

Other than that life is gravy and we’re just totally excited about the prospect of Baby Klingler 2.0! I’ll be taking gender predictions starting now

Guess What?

Posted by sassafrass | Posted on 23-03-2013

Category : Baby Klingler, My Life, The Mother

I’M FREAKING PREGNANT!!

I debated not saying anything because I’m like…BARELY pregnant. If I had to make a guess, I’m most likely 5ish weeks pregnant. I worried so much about telling people about my last pregnancy but you know? If something bad were to happen, I’d want to talk about it. Really, I’d want to blog about it. So I’m telling you , my loyal readers.

I’m pregnant, and I couldn’t be more excited and happy and ALL THE EMOTIONS. Let’s do this baby thing again! I cannot wait!

The Week Where Diana CRIES OMG TOO MUCH TO DO

Posted by sassafrass | Posted on 04-03-2013

Category : Baby Klingler, My Life, The Mother, The Wife

So, that’s a title. Moving on.

My husband has a short semester this spring because he’s in a 1 credit odd-ball class where all he has to do is a presentation that’s 20 minutes and he has to view other presentations and write a paragraph about them or something.

SO. Why am I telling you this?

His presentation is Friday the 8th. Which yes, is also my daughters birthday . But what that REALLY means, is that he’s been off baby duty for the last two weekends trying to get his presentation together and I have been getting behind on my school work and all the things that need to be done with the house because I’ve been on baby duty.

So I have a lot to catch up on this week. Let’s run through it, shall we?

Lit Unit 2 – I have a quiz, a test, and a 5 page paper due. OOPS.
Nursing – I am starting clinical’s in 2 weeks which is WILD and then I also have an exam next week.
I have to CLEAN. OMG. WHY ARE THE DISHES NEVER DONE?
I am hosting a play-date tomorrow. In retrospect, I probably should have picked a different week to host because I have thousands of things going on. Oh well it’ll be fun
My family is getting into town on Friday. ALL OF THEM. It’s going to be fun and also a little overwhelming lol My house is not large, y’all. But full houses are much more fun than empty ones, so I’m thankful.
Leah’s first birthday is Friday Her party is Saturday O_O. Yup. I’m not too stressed but parties always get me worried a little about all the things I need to do and the fear that I’ll forget something or not have enough food or that no one will come.

Ok – it looks like a lot less now that I’m looking at it all on paper (re: the internet) but trust me, it’s a ton of things. My anxiety is running high, so WATCH OUT WORLD!

Also, my baby is turning 1 /

A Truth Not Universally Acknowledged

Posted by sassafrass | Posted on 26-02-2013

Category : Baby Klingler, My Life, On Life, The Mother

Sometimes, I don’t like being a mom.

WHEW. There, I said it.

I love my baby. I do. I wouldn’t trade her for all the pizza in NYC. Seriously, y’all. That’s LEGIT. It’s just…I don’t always love this mom job.

I don’t love the part where I’m a mother and ALSO a student and ALSO a wife and ALSO a friend and 8 other things. I constantly feel like I’m pulled in all these different directions and I wear all these different hats and doomed to live a life where I’m never good at ANY OF THEM.

I don’t love the part where my boobs are not my own. I used to have this cool “I love breastfeeding!” attitude but twelve months in? I’m not so enamored anymore. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that I hate it, but I certainly don’t love it.

I don’t love that no matter what you do – work or stay at home – you probably always feel this mom guilt that you’re just not doing enough. WHAT GIVES, MOM GUILT? WHAT THE EFF GIVES?

I don’t love that my entire family lives a million (re:800) miles away and that aside from my wonderfully amazing husband, we’re pretty much just on our own most of the time.

I don’t love that these are things we CAN’T talk about as mothers, because it means we’re bad moms, or that we don’t love our children, or that we “shouldn’t have had children if we feel this way” (yes, that has been said to me) (no, I didn’t cut her)

But come on. COME ON. Tell me you’ve never in your life as a mother, had a day where you just didn’t really enjoy motherhood? And we want to talk about the gloriousness of it all in front of everyone “Oh my child is the bestest child in the world and this morning we played in a field of flowers and ate all organic fruits and veggies and we never fight and motherhood is the bee’s knees!” and we update our facebook status’ with this nonsense. And I’m guilty of this. I’m TOTALLY guilty of painting the “perfect life” picture.

And I’m not saying there aren’t days that are great and wonderful and nearly perfect. It’s just, there are also days that aren’t so perfect. Why isn’t it ok to talk about those? I’d like to think that most moms feel this way occasionally. I hope this, anyway. I wish we could all just be honest for a moment and admit that it’s not always going to be sunshine and rainbows, and that that’s ok.

************

Sometimes I write letters to my daughter. Usually they’re pretty personal and I don’t like to share them, but I thought I’d share this one.

2/26/13
Dear Leah,

You’ve been…difficult lately. And I’ve lost my patience with you a few times, and for that I’m sorry. At first I thought you were just teething. I say “just teething“ as if it’s nothing, when I realize how incredibly painful that must be. I’m sorry for that. Then you woke up yesterday and had quite the sniffles and cough. And last night you were croup-y. And then I felt like a horrible wretched mother for being so easily frustrated with your neediness and your constant desire to nurse.

You’re almost a year old and while in some ways, I feel like I still have no idea what I’m doing, in others I feel like I have always been your mother. I can hardly remember a time that you were not mine. It’s like, long before I had you, I knew that you were mine and that I was yours and that we’d meet someday and that I’d love you more than anything in the world.

But yesterday was hard. And I’m human. And I found myself not having such a great day.

Being a mother is hard. I want you to know that there will be days that I lose my patience and I’m sorry for that. And I’ll try to be patient with you when you have those days, because just like I am human, you are too.

I think that’s the lesson in this all. I’ve struggled with my ideas about attachment parenting an older child or teenager. Where are the boundaries? Are there boundaries? I’m not there yet, but I have to believe that if as an adult, I still have days where I behave like a child, it’s certainly natural for you to behave like a child when you are a child. And I’ll try to remember that, and be patient with that, and give you grace for that.

Just know I’m doing my best. And that I’ll always love you. I don’t always love everything about being a mother (or a wife, or a student or any of that) but I will always love everything about you.

Love Always,
Mom

I’ll Have A Million Babies With You

Posted by sassafrass | Posted on 17-01-2013

Category : My Life, The Mother, The Wife

Can I just take a minute to brag on my husband?

Do you know that when he gets home from work, the FIRST thing he does is get changed into “play clothes” and he takes the baby. Both because he knows I need a break, and because he WANTS to play with her. On the weekends, he takes the wheels too. He doesn’t just assume that I’m the mom and it’s my job when I’m home to take care of her. He is so involved. He WANTS to be involved, too. It’s not that I ask him to do things with her, he just does them all on his own. He works hard for us and never complains about it. He’s amazing.

And no, he’s not without flaws. He’s made plenty douchey husband comments (If you’re married and have kids, you know exactly what I’m talking about) but he’s human. And I forgive him for that.

But he is so very amazing 99% of the time. He is my rock. He keeps me sane. He supports me in all that I do and I am so incredibly thankful for that.

************

Matt and I constantly get into the conversation about how many kids we want to have.

And Matthew, I would have ALL THE BABIES with you. Because you are amazing. Truly. I couldn’t ask for a better husband and father. And if you say you want four kids? Let’s do it. I believe that you’ll continue to be amazing, despite the difficulties that arise from having more than 1 (or 2, or 3) kids. Because we are a team. We always have been a team and I know we always will be. We work so well together in this marriage and as parents. I know not everyone is as lucky as I am to have a partner for a husband and my God, I’m so thankful to have you.

Holiday Hoobie Whatty?

Posted by sassafrass | Posted on 16-12-2012

Category : Baby Klingler, The Mother, The Wife

It’s Christmas. I mean…REALLY GUYS. It’s a week and a day until Christmas Eve. How on earth did we get here so fast? I know they say that life flies by when you have a child but MAN. They (whoever they are) weren’t kidding.

I started thinking about last Christmas, when I was feeling extra large and wondering about what this Christmas would be like. Would my baby be crawling? (yes) Walking? (no) Would she say any words? (mama, dada) Would she sleep through the night? (NO.) Would she enjoy Christmas music? (yes) And what about my favorite claymation movies? (meh…sort of). Would she enjoy opening presents? (we shall see)

It’s insane to me that almost all of those thoughts now have answers…That my baby is now NINE months old and will be close to TEN months when Christmas day is here…That OMG she’s almost a year old!

I’ve also been thinking a lot (I just typed “alot” because I was thinking faster than I could type, and it made me think of THIS)(you’re welcome) about how much I just adore my husband. And how crazy is that considering we met in HIGH SCHOOL?? How many people do you know that date in high school and stay together through college and then get married and then have babies and STILL LOVE EACH OTHER? I know right?

Ok I know. I’m sure you know of people who are your parents age because, well, that was that generation. But in our generation we’re pretty unheard of. Somehow, despite everything we’ve been through and how much we’ve changed, we have only grown closer and more in love and that…that is just a blessing.

In summation (there was a point to all of this, I swear) I’m just so thankful this Christmas to have a beautiful family that I love and that loves me. No matter what happens down the road, I’ll have these two miracles in my life and I am so, SO thankful for them. I can’t imagine life without them.

TVVVVVVVVVV

Posted by sassafrass | Posted on 01-10-2012

Category : Television, The Fan Girl, The Mother, The Wife, This and That

Please tell me I’m not the only one who watches a TON of scripted TV? I mean, I know that for most people, fall signals the start of school and what have you. For me? Fall = MY SHOWS ARE BACK. PRAISE JEEBUS.

So this week, 90% of my shows came back on (Castle, Private Practice, Modern Family, New Girl, Grey’s Anatomy, Once Upon a Time, Dexter) and a few new ones (The Mindy Project, Park 666) all in all, I’ve been rather pleased!

But my husband made an offhand comment about how I can “never find the time” to do all those things on my “to do” list, yet I find the time EASILY to read my YA fiction novels and watch my bad TV.

STOOPID HUSBAND.

But here’s the thing. I justify those things as “me time”. “Me Time” is necessary to my emotional health, y’all! I am a wife, a mom, a friend, a student, and so many other things that when I finally get a minute to do all those things on my “to do” list, I often do something silly instead. Like watch Dexter. Or read Divergent. Twice.

And I’m ok with that.

Tell me I’m not the only one, though. Tell me you wear many hats and that after you get done all the daily “to do’s”, you forgo the “long-term to do” list in favor of a “me time” activity?

::crickets::

No? Just me? Meh, I’m cool with that too.

I hope you weren’t expecting some mind-blowing update. This is what you get hah.

Exhaustion Sets In

Posted by sassafrass | Posted on 22-09-2012

Category : Baby Klingler, The Mother

Teething is kicking my ass, y’all.

LEGIT.

Leah was an awesome sleeper starting just before 2 months. She’d go down sometime around 8 or 9, I’d dream feed her around 11 and then she’d sleep until 8 or 9am. IT WAS AMAZING.

And then she started teething.
Right around the time she turned 4 months she started waking during the night again. I attributed it to a growth spurt at first, but then two weeks of consistent nighttime waking led me to the realization that Leah was actually teething. So we went into full on teething mode. We bought the amber necklace, teething tablets, “chew toys” (it’s amazing how many of these look SO MUCH LIKE dog chew toys). We froze wash cloths, put frozen food in the fresh food teether. We’ve tried it all.

**sidenote: We LOVE our amber necklace, but we don’t leave it on her to sleep. During the day? We’re fine. About 2-3 hours into sleeping though, she wakes up chewing on her fingers**

And so for the last two months I’ve been up with Leah every 2 hours to nurse her back to sleep. She’s a comfort nurser – and yes, I’ve been told that she is probably waking up because she knows she’ll get the boob. I’ve been told to just let her cry it out. “She’ll learn”, they say. I just can’t find it in myself to agree with that. I’m pretty into attachment parenting and I truly believe that my wakeful, crying six-month-old is trying to communicate with me. Something is HURTING her. She needs soothing.

I liken it to having a bad day, and going to my husband to be soothed myself. How would I feel if he told me to “just deal with it”? Sometimes, we just need someone to comfort us. I can’t comfort myself half of the time, I certainly don’t expect my baby to do it.

But I’m tired. And I’m running out of patience. Is that terrible? I want to be a good mother and I want to give my baby the comfort she needs, but I also don’t want to be so low on sleep that I go all DEXTER on someone. Ya know?

Really, I’m not looking for advice here. In fact, maybe I’m just looking for some support and comfort myself. I know she’ll grow up and before I know it she’ll be graduating high school, getting married, and having babies of her own – but this, right now, it’s tough. I’m tired. And man, I wish my husband had the boobs.