(I feel like I’ve used that title before)(Oh well)

So we made a decision. I’m still trying to come to terms with it. It sucks. Any decision we make sucks. Quick Recap of our options:

1. We could take her to AU to get cancer treatments (that the vet said probably won’t work and she’d be in a lot of pain for a long time. In fact she’d likely get ill and pass away from the treatment, not the tumor, because she is so old)
2. We could take out a large part of the tumor, giving her a few more months. During that time she’d be on a bunch of pain medications, antibiotics, and steroids. In a few months, we’d have to deal with it again.
3. We could take her home and treat with just steroids for inflammation and pain meds. She’d be asleep 80% of the time because of the medication. And we’d still need to take her in to put her to sleep at some point because it really would just get too painful/difficult for her to eat as the tumor grows.
4. We could put her to sleep.

I hate them all. ALL OF THEM.

I want an option where we rewind and I wake up one day just to find that my dog has passed of natural causes. Why can’t that happen? WHY? I don’t want to make this decision. But Matt and I sat down and talked about it last night and we think it’s time to let her go. I don’t want to keep her alive because it’s hard for me to let her go. I don’t want her to be in pain because I can’t stand to do what needs to be done.

A part of me feels like we’re giving up on her. A part of me is also glad that I just read The Art of Racing in the Rain. I know, it’s written by a human with a dogs perspective, but still. I see it. I see how your dog will try to find a way to tell you it’s time. And I get that feeling when I look at her, like she’s telling me it’s ok. But it still breaks my heart EVERY. DAMN. TIME. I think about it.

So for the next few days we’re spoiling the snot out of her. She had sonic for dinner last night and then we put Ares downstairs and snuggled with her for the rest of the night. I gave her mashed potatoes today with her favorite soft dog food (she can’t eat the hard stuff anymore). She’ll probably get some ice cream before dinner. She’s just been resting and snuggling all day today. She doesn’t have a lot of energy.

But Friday we’re going to take her into the vet, and put her to sleep. And it sucks and it’s not right, and I hate it. But it’s what is best for her. I just have to keep telling myself that.

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