A Little Bit of Sass

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Things Could Be Worse I'm feeling that little bit of overwhelm creep in again. Summer semester is approaching and I'm wondering how I'll ever go back to school after having such a glorious couple...

Baby Number 2 - Excitement When I was pregnant with Leah, I was excited but TERRIFIED. I mean, I'm in charge of a TINY HUMAN. And it NEEDS THINGS...ALL. THE. TIME. And what if I don't do it right?...

10 Years 10 years ago tonight, I started dating Matt, my husband. It was an odd day, really. Matt is a shy guy and I couldn't have told you how he felt about me. I'm still not convinced...

It's Been Awhile I feel like that's the title of a lot of my posts. Oh well. Such is life. I've been crazy busy with school - this was my first semester with a clinical rotation and it...

A Quick Political Post I try not to do this on here. I've also really limited my political posts on facebook. Why? Because I usually find it just doesn't change a damn thing and I end up losing...

Things Could Be Worse

Posted by sassafrass | Posted on 05-13-2013

Category : Baby Klingler, The Mother, The Wife

I’m feeling that little bit of overwhelm creep in again. Summer semester is approaching and I’m wondering how I’ll ever go back to school after having such a glorious couple of weeks away from it all.

It’s odd because I miss it. I enjoy learning. I especially enjoy learning about Maternity and Pediatrics, which is what we are learning about this summer…it’s just…

I’ve been able to get the laundry done and the dishes and the housework and MY GOODNESS I HAVE EVEN COOKED MEALS FOR MY FAMILY.

I know, stop the presses. Shit just got real.

I feel so put together when I’m not in school. Like my family functions just a little bit better. I know that it seems like small things because those housework/chores DO get done even when I’m schooling it up. Matt is a HUGE help and he does so much to help clean and cook. It’s just…I feel like those are my jobs. I stay at home, I should get them done. Then you throw school in the mix and that just complicates it all.

And my first instinct is to compare myself to other moms and their situations. I think we all kind of do this to an extent. But it’s a bad instinct to have. We ALL have shit going on. We ALL have things that we’re struggling with. Comparing our apples (teehee) doesn’t help us get through what we need to get through.

So when I’m getting down about these types of things, I look to my favorite poem. Because honestly, I just couldn’t have put it any better:

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?

She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I’ve grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,

Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo.

Dishes are waiting and bills are past due,

Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek – peekaboo.

The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew,

And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo.

But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo.

Look! Aren’t his eyes the most wonderful hue?

Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo.

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow,

But children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.

So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!

I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.

~ Ruth Hulbert Hamilton

Baby Number 2 – Excitement

Posted by sassafrass | Posted on 05-10-2013

Category : Baby Klingler, The Mother

When I was pregnant with Leah, I was excited but TERRIFIED. I mean, I’m in charge of a TINY HUMAN. And it NEEDS THINGS…ALL. THE. TIME.

And what if I don’t do it right? And what if I mess her up? And what if she’s 25 and having a baby and wants to do it all differently because I was so horrible?

But a year in, I’m oddly confident about how things are going. I’ve really tried to embrace the feelings of overwhelm and my insecurities and just find ways to set those feelings aside. I really give a lot of credit to my amazing husband, who is so helpful, and of course, my amazing God who gives me peace in the moments when I need them most. It’s just, in the past year, despite all the crazy – I’ve somehow become the mom who feels confident that while yes, I may be making mistakes, I’m still doing a great job.

Why is it hard to talk about that by the way? Why is it I feel like I’m supposed to feel like a terrible mom? That confidence in my parenting ability is a bad/negative thing? I feel like I’m going to be judged the minute I say it: “I’m confident!” (She shouldn’t be, she’s an AWFUL mother)

I’m not saying that I don’t have bad momma moments – we ALL do. But for the most part I feel really good about our decisions as parents, and I feel like Leah is turning out really well. She’s a great kid! I love her <3

So I’m confident! I feel good! And because of that, I’m really excited about baby number 2.

When Leah was born I spent about the first 5-6 months just feeling like I was drowning. I felt like I had NO idea what I was doing (I didn’t) and I was struggling to be the mom I thought I should be. I really feel like I missed out and those first few months with my baby were such a blur because I was so focused on that feeling of overwhelm. With BK2, I’ll have some insecurities no doubt (I mean, 2 kids under 2? Yeah that’s going to be…fun!) but that “new” parent thing? It’s gone. Each stage is a surprise and it’s “new” but just those first few months where I was feeling entirely inadequate and unsure? THAT feeling is gone.

Am I making sense here? I feel like I’m not. Just nod your head and smile, mmk?

The point is, I know a lot of moms who have given birth recently and it makes me SO excited for November. I cannot wait to do this baby thing over again. I know the late nights are rough, I know that the constant nursing is going to be draining, I know that a toddler and a baby are probably going to suck away all of my energy, but I’m SO excited to be adding a new little bundle of AWESOME (because Joy isn’t a good enough word) to our family. I’m excited to start this journey over again and grow more and learn more and love more. This parenting thing is pretty awesome y’all.

10 Years

Posted by sassafrass | Posted on 04-25-2013

Category : My Life

10 years ago tonight, I started dating Matt, my husband. It was an odd day, really. Matt is a shy guy and I couldn’t have told you how he felt about me. I’m still not convinced he actually WANTED to date me but just didn’t want to take the effort to contradict me when I just announced we were “boyfriend/girlfriend” (ah, highschool)(yes I realize how unromantic this is)

What you may or may not know, is that up until the time I met Matthew I wasn’t ever in a relationship longer than a few weeks. One actually only lasted 4 days. Yup. That was me.

But then I met Matt and something changed. I know they say (who the hell are THEY anyway?) that you’ll just know when you find the right person – but I never believed that. How could you possibly just KNOW? But then I met Matt, and suddenly, I knew. I was 17, but I knew. He was my person.

And people didn’t believe me and they looked at me like I was a child. And my friends were angry because I devoted so much time to him. And our parents likely thought we were just in a phase. But I knew better.

********************

In the last ten years, I can’t even begin to describe the ways in which my life has changed.

We’ve grown together. Learned what kind of people we wanted to be and became those people. We compliment each other in ways that make us each better people.

We were married in front of all of our friends and loved ones. And it was the second best day of my life, only behind…

This beautiful baby girl. He is the father of my child…

…father of my children.

And I love him with all of my heart. Here’s to 10 more (years, not kids) :)

It’s Been Awhile

Posted by sassafrass | Posted on 04-21-2013

Category : Baby Klingler, Divergent

I feel like that’s the title of a lot of my posts. Oh well. Such is life.

I’ve been crazy busy with school – this was my first semester with a clinical rotation and it was really eye opening. I’m glad I chose the field I did, but man. Nursing Homes. Don’t put your parents in one.

I’m very much looking forward to a few weeks of “break” in May. I say “break” with quotes because in reality I’ll be starting my assignments and reading for my summer class so I don’t go bananas and get behind before I even start. I’m really pumped because it’s our Maternity/Peds class and that’s pretty much the area I’d LOVE to be in.

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In completely unrelated news, we’re finally putting down sod. For those of you that are unaware, we bought a house with a large backyard but only half of it was sod, the rest was seed. No biggie, we thought. It’ll fill in. NOPE RED CLAY SUCKS YOU WILL HAVE NO LAWN EVER. EVAR.

So we’re finally putting the money into getting a new lawn! We’re very excited about this as it means we can actually DO things in our backyard. Currently weeds the size of Kentucky are taking over and threatening to eat my baby.

Next year will be a hardscape/lawn furniture kind of year. But until then I’ll just be happy with grass. YAY GRASS!

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We go for our first ultrasound for BK2 (Baby Klingler 2) tomorrow. I’m super pumped but super worried. I always feel like I don’t know what’s going on in my uterus until I can feel kicks so I get super stressed. It’ll be exciting to hear a heartbeat and get a confirmed date. Hopefully I’m not having twins…but that would also mean I’m just fat. So either way I’m screwed I guess.

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I’m a reader. LOVE TO READ. But lately with school and baby things and family and OMG ALL THE….wait can’t tell you that thing here. It’s a secret for my friend. Anywho, I’m busy. BUT. I recently reread Divergent after most of the cast was out and MAN OH MAN. I’m pumped.

Meet FOUR:

::FAINTS:: Not convinced? Well fine, I have more:

He smiles and I’m GOO. A PUDDLE OF FREAKING GOO.

Needless to say I’m more than excited for this movie to come out. What are your thoughts on Four? Or the rest of the cast. I’m really pumped about them all it’s just…well. Ahem. Yeah. He’s gorgeous.

A Quick Political Post

Posted by sassafrass | Posted on 03-26-2013

Category : On Politics

I try not to do this on here. I’ve also really limited my political posts on facebook. Why? Because I usually find it just doesn’t change a damn thing and I end up losing friends and starting drama.

But here’s the thing.

I don’t know why the fuck we’re arguing over Marriage equality in TWENTY FUCKING THIRTEEN.

Let’s just examine the SIMPLICITY of this, shall we?

You’re a Christian? Great! Me too! Glad we’re on the same page so far.
The bible says homosexuality is a sin? Cool. You have EVERY RIGHT to believe that based on our CONSTITUTION which allows you the freedom to worship whoever, however you choose.
Let’s just make sure we’re all aware OF the first Amendment - Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
This first amendment ALSO means that not everyone in the US needs to worship the same God. HOW GREAT is it that we live in a country where we have the FREEDOM of RELIGION?
You do not need to be Christian to be married. Guess what? I know several atheists who are married.
Marriage is not a unique term known only in Christianity. So the sanctity of marriage? I mean, yeah it’s important within EACH religion, but the word MARRIAGE is not UNIQUE to a particular religion So the battle over the word “marriage” vs. “civil union” seems REALLY ridiculous to me. You cannot claim hold on that word. It’s not yours. Sorry.
Despite popular belief, you can absolutely be opposed to gay marriage within your church and within your own belief system, and still recognize that it’s not something that needs to be micromanaged at the federal or state level. Congress isn’t FORCING you to get married to someone gay, they’d just be ALLOWING people of other belief systems to be entitled to the same things you are entitled to under the law.
No one is forcing your church to recognize Gay Marriage within your church. No one is forcing you to start marrying Gay couples in your church or accepting gay couples into your church or anything of the kind. So calm your tits about that. Ok?

Here’s the thing. We live in a country that is filled with a wonderful amount of diversity. It is because of that diversity that we grow and change and become better. Let’s BE BETTER. Let’s allow people of different belief systems to practice those beliefs because our country was FOUNDED on that principal. Let’s not beat down something as beautiful as LOVE in a world where there seems to be less and less every day.

On Being Pregnant The Second Time Around

Posted by sassafrass | Posted on 03-24-2013

Category : My Life, The Mother

So, this shit is different. And similar. So far. 5 weeks in.

OMG DIANA SHUT UP ALREADY.

NO. (insert grumpy cat here)

I’m tired. REALLY EFFING TIRED. What’s up with that? I’m half a minute pregnant and already I’m feeling like a continuous IV drip of caffeine couldn’t even sustain me.

Also? I can’t button my jeans. ALREADY. I was, SWEAR TO YOU, in a size 8 and those suckers were LOOSE two weeks ago. And now I can barely button. Either I ate too much or my uterus is just overly excited. Or I’m having twins. FUCK.

So I was searching for, ahem, maternity clothes to remedy this early fatness thing, and I’ve discovered that EVERYTHING maternity is either way to tight/low cut, or just has no shape whatsoever. That makes me sad. So I guess I’ll just wear dresses. OH WAIT THOSE ARE TOO SHORT.

Ok I’m being slightly dramatic. There are cute maternity things to wear. I was just flabbergasted (yes, I’m now old) at how many low-cut, see-through, form-fitting tops there are for preggos. Calm it down Liz Lange. Seriously.

Other than that life is gravy and we’re just totally excited about the prospect of Baby Klingler 2.0! I’ll be taking gender predictions starting now

Guess What?

Posted by sassafrass | Posted on 03-23-2013

Category : Baby Klingler, My Life, The Mother

I’M FREAKING PREGNANT!!

I debated not saying anything because I’m like…BARELY pregnant. If I had to make a guess, I’m most likely 5ish weeks pregnant. I worried so much about telling people about my last pregnancy but you know? If something bad were to happen, I’d want to talk about it. Really, I’d want to blog about it. So I’m telling you , my loyal readers.

I’m pregnant, and I couldn’t be more excited and happy and ALL THE EMOTIONS. Let’s do this baby thing again! I cannot wait!

A Beautiful Mess

Posted by sassafrass | Posted on 03-16-2013

Category : My Life

I think that sometimes we get too overwhelmed to see the beauty in the mess. We get all caught up in the fact that the house isn’t clean or the dishes aren’t done or the fact that we’re currently living on the underwear from the VERY back of the underwear drawer because Laundry hasn’t been done, or the assignments for school we haven’t finished or the tests we could have done better on or…

Well. You get the point.

I’m guilty of it. We all are. But for some reason today I had a sort of epiphany about all that. I wish I could share why specifically but there’s this thing called HIPPA and apparently I’m supposed to like…keep my mouth shut about people’s health or something.

But I’ll just tell you I had my first clinical day and it just got me to really appreciate all the things I have. We’re all entitled to have a whiny day, don’t get me wrong. Life is still hard and there are bumps and hills and ditches and all those nasty things. But there are also beautiful, sunny, GORGEOUS days like today and man. I sure needed that sunshine when I walked out after finishing my first clinical day. Some things you should know:

Nurses. Work. HARD. Dude – my back is killing me from 1 day and I didn’t even do that much!
I didn’t know how much I’d miss my baby. Seriously. I know she’s a year old, but I realized this morning that she has NEVER woken up and had me not be there. It’s silly, she was FINE. I knew Matt had it covered…but…MAH BABEH!
I’m not as young as I used to be. I KNOW. I know, I’m 27. But I also have a baby…and those suckers add like 5 years. I didn’t realize how much more difficult school would be with a baby. LAWD. I’m doing well, but it’s taking a LOT more effort than the first time around even though I worked between 40-50 hours a week!

Well, as thrilling as I’m sure you find this, I’m about to go eat some chinese food and snuggle up with my hubs while we catch up on all the TV we’ve missed the last two weeks. And I couldn’t have planned a more perfect evening <3

The Week Where Diana CRIES OMG TOO MUCH TO DO

Posted by sassafrass | Posted on 03-04-2013

Category : Baby Klingler, My Life, The Mother, The Wife

So, that’s a title. Moving on.

My husband has a short semester this spring because he’s in a 1 credit odd-ball class where all he has to do is a presentation that’s 20 minutes and he has to view other presentations and write a paragraph about them or something.

SO. Why am I telling you this?

His presentation is Friday the 8th. Which yes, is also my daughters birthday . But what that REALLY means, is that he’s been off baby duty for the last two weekends trying to get his presentation together and I have been getting behind on my school work and all the things that need to be done with the house because I’ve been on baby duty.

So I have a lot to catch up on this week. Let’s run through it, shall we?

Lit Unit 2 – I have a quiz, a test, and a 5 page paper due. OOPS.
Nursing – I am starting clinical’s in 2 weeks which is WILD and then I also have an exam next week.
I have to CLEAN. OMG. WHY ARE THE DISHES NEVER DONE?
I am hosting a play-date tomorrow. In retrospect, I probably should have picked a different week to host because I have thousands of things going on. Oh well it’ll be fun
My family is getting into town on Friday. ALL OF THEM. It’s going to be fun and also a little overwhelming lol My house is not large, y’all. But full houses are much more fun than empty ones, so I’m thankful.
Leah’s first birthday is Friday Her party is Saturday O_O. Yup. I’m not too stressed but parties always get me worried a little about all the things I need to do and the fear that I’ll forget something or not have enough food or that no one will come.

Ok – it looks like a lot less now that I’m looking at it all on paper (re: the internet) but trust me, it’s a ton of things. My anxiety is running high, so WATCH OUT WORLD!

Also, my baby is turning 1 /

A Truth Not Universally Acknowledged

Posted by sassafrass | Posted on 02-26-2013

Category : Baby Klingler, My Life, On Life, The Mother

Sometimes, I don’t like being a mom.

WHEW. There, I said it.

I love my baby. I do. I wouldn’t trade her for all the pizza in NYC. Seriously, y’all. That’s LEGIT. It’s just…I don’t always love this mom job.

I don’t love the part where I’m a mother and ALSO a student and ALSO a wife and ALSO a friend and 8 other things. I constantly feel like I’m pulled in all these different directions and I wear all these different hats and doomed to live a life where I’m never good at ANY OF THEM.

I don’t love the part where my boobs are not my own. I used to have this cool “I love breastfeeding!” attitude but twelve months in? I’m not so enamored anymore. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that I hate it, but I certainly don’t love it.

I don’t love that no matter what you do – work or stay at home – you probably always feel this mom guilt that you’re just not doing enough. WHAT GIVES, MOM GUILT? WHAT THE EFF GIVES?

I don’t love that my entire family lives a million (re:800) miles away and that aside from my wonderfully amazing husband, we’re pretty much just on our own most of the time.

I don’t love that these are things we CAN’T talk about as mothers, because it means we’re bad moms, or that we don’t love our children, or that we “shouldn’t have had children if we feel this way” (yes, that has been said to me) (no, I didn’t cut her)

But come on. COME ON. Tell me you’ve never in your life as a mother, had a day where you just didn’t really enjoy motherhood? And we want to talk about the gloriousness of it all in front of everyone “Oh my child is the bestest child in the world and this morning we played in a field of flowers and ate all organic fruits and veggies and we never fight and motherhood is the bee’s knees!” and we update our facebook status’ with this nonsense. And I’m guilty of this. I’m TOTALLY guilty of painting the “perfect life” picture.

And I’m not saying there aren’t days that are great and wonderful and nearly perfect. It’s just, there are also days that aren’t so perfect. Why isn’t it ok to talk about those? I’d like to think that most moms feel this way occasionally. I hope this, anyway. I wish we could all just be honest for a moment and admit that it’s not always going to be sunshine and rainbows, and that that’s ok.

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Sometimes I write letters to my daughter. Usually they’re pretty personal and I don’t like to share them, but I thought I’d share this one.

2/26/13
Dear Leah,

You’ve been…difficult lately. And I’ve lost my patience with you a few times, and for that I’m sorry. At first I thought you were just teething. I say “just teething“ as if it’s nothing, when I realize how incredibly painful that must be. I’m sorry for that. Then you woke up yesterday and had quite the sniffles and cough. And last night you were croup-y. And then I felt like a horrible wretched mother for being so easily frustrated with your neediness and your constant desire to nurse.

You’re almost a year old and while in some ways, I feel like I still have no idea what I’m doing, in others I feel like I have always been your mother. I can hardly remember a time that you were not mine. It’s like, long before I had you, I knew that you were mine and that I was yours and that we’d meet someday and that I’d love you more than anything in the world.

But yesterday was hard. And I’m human. And I found myself not having such a great day.

Being a mother is hard. I want you to know that there will be days that I lose my patience and I’m sorry for that. And I’ll try to be patient with you when you have those days, because just like I am human, you are too.

I think that’s the lesson in this all. I’ve struggled with my ideas about attachment parenting an older child or teenager. Where are the boundaries? Are there boundaries? I’m not there yet, but I have to believe that if as an adult, I still have days where I behave like a child, it’s certainly natural for you to behave like a child when you are a child. And I’ll try to remember that, and be patient with that, and give you grace for that.

Just know I’m doing my best. And that I’ll always love you. I don’t always love everything about being a mother (or a wife, or a student or any of that) but I will always love everything about you.

Love Always,
Mom